When you watch as much REALITY TELEVISION as me, you learn that the best way to turn a noun into an adjective is to add the suffix “-licious” to it. Did you just order the biggest, blingenest dress from Sondra Celli to wear to your 14th birthday party in order to declare your eligibility to marry? That’s GYPSYLICIOUS. Did you invite all of your friends to spend ONE NIGHT with you on the Jersey Shore because your parents hi-jacked your summer vacation by forcing you to visit them in Michigan for four days causing you to lose a week’s worth of income because you work a service job? Well that would be JERSEYLICIOUS. But yeah, I invited all (most–sorry if I didn’t invite you) of my friends to come to the Jersey Shore with me for ONE JERSEYLICIOUS NIGHT ONLY, which is why WE WENT TO ASBURY PARK:
Let me tell you what happens when you plan a trip TWO MONTHS IN ADVANCE in the city of NYC where everyone has a goldfish memory for events. Everyone thinks IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY even though IT IS NOT. So, yeah, we got to Asbury and everyone thought it was my birthd…
I CAN’T DO THIS
GUYS, I CAN’T BLOG ABOUT ASBURY RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO IS SHOP ONLINE!!!
I’ve been bitten by the BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING BUG!!!!! Can I still be self-actualized and also want to BUY THINGS???? But like rationally I know I don’t need anything, but also I like NEED NEW THINGS!!!! I need to KEEP IT FRESH!!! KEEP IT POPPING!!!! KEEP IT FRESH AND POPPING!!!!! KEEP IT CRAIGLICIOUS!!!!!!
Can I show you guys my lookspirations for FALL??????
UMMM PRADA PRADA PRADA. Like loving this Prada collection inspired by TRAVELING!!!! Like, I travel! I just went to Asbury Park!!! ALSO:
HEY SAILOR!!! Ummmm how cute is this SAILOR INSPIRED LOOK???? UGhhhjjjghghgfjjf WANT
THIS PIC OF THE OLSEN TWINS who are like my ULTIMATE STYLE ICONS ALWAYS!!! Aren’t they kind of like lesbian James Dean cool??? Ughghhghgakljadjlfla;kjfals Also like RULE NUMBER ONE of being OLSEN-LICIOUS is ALWAYS CARRY A DRINK CUP. DONE
ASTROLICIOUS VERSACE JEANS UGHFDHljfd;alskfjdasl;adw
LIKE these Jeans make me want to create an Amazon wishlist and flirt with Sugar Daddies on Tumblr just like that one 15 year old girl I follow. I wonder if people ever buy her anything off her wishlist??? Like how does that even work? SEX-WORKLICIOUS!!!! PEDOPHILICIOUS!!!!!!
Okay, obvi I can’t AFFORD to do ANY B2S (back2skool) shopping because I am a PLEBIAN and have been paying off my credit card debt for the last two years and DON’T NEED another SETBACK like that time I…. OKAY NOT GETTING INTO IT
BUT, I’m trying to codify my look for FALL/WINTER 2016 and so far what I’ve got is like STAR-TRAVELER MAXIMALIST AGE OF AQUARIUS REALNESS. I’m going to think about it and get back to you guys.
My look for S/S was called “SUMMER GUIDO” which was actually a TRIUMPH if I do declare!!! I bought matching Versace swim trunks and briefs and wore them all summer with a gold chain and my hair slicked back. It was glorious!!!! Which is also kind of why I wanted to go to Asbury Park. To really just marinate in all my Summer Guido-licious-ness
Guys, ASBURY WAS A BLAST!!! It was super fun and I was so HAPPY that my friends came!!!!!! But also, when things go SO WELL there’s really not much to report so I’m just gonna breeze through this:
KIM AND CARLOS ATE A WHOPPERITO like LADY AND THE TRAMP
WTF IS A WHOPPERITO? It is a whopper burrito from Burger King. I was on the treadmill at the gym and watched a ten-minute long news segment about it. WHOPPERITOLICIOUS!!!!!
Here we are checking into our hotel, the BRAND NEW ASBURY HOTEL. It was WONDERFUL except for the fact that it DID NOT HAVE ROOM SERVICE. When I am on vacation I like to pretend to be a Kardashian, which involves me NOT having to go down to the bar in the lobby to buy drinks to bring back to my SUITE
WE ATE PIZZA. PIZZALICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!
WE TOOK A SELFIE IN OUR SUITE!!! It was GLORIOUS like the new BRITNEY ALBUM to which we listened. Also Carly Slay Legendsen’s SIDE B. Do you see Jane taking the selfie??? SELFIELICIOUSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! 😉
HERE IS THE SELFIE!!!!! SELFIELICIOUS xINFINITY
WE WENT TO THE BEACH. BEACHLICIOUS!!!!
WE RODE A CART TO THE TEA DANCE. BEN’S EYEBROWS ON FLEEK! EYEBROWLICIOUS!!!!!!
THERE WAS ONE SAD GOGO DANCER AT THE TEA DANCE. STRIPPERLICIOUS!!!!!
WE WERE HUNGOVER AT THE POOL THE NEXT DAY. POOLLICIOUS? POOL-LICIOUS? Maybe just one “L”? Poolicious? Is this concept getting a little sweaty maybe? Are you guys tiredlicious of it yetlicious?
Jersey was VERY JERSEY. Like that’s all I have to say about it.
Then we took the TRAIN HOME
THUS CONCLUDES THIS JERSEYLICIOUS POST
AND THE ONLY ADJECTIVE I HAVE TO DESCRIBE IT IS:
MIND ABOUT TO BE BLOWN
Did your head explode? Mine did. Someone grab a mop