WE DO THINGZ

Lifestyle for the Lazy

Category: Excursions

We Went to Asbury Park

When you watch as much REALITY TELEVISION as me, you learn that the best way to turn a noun into an adjective is to add the suffix “-licious” to it.  Did you just order the biggest, blingenest dress from Sondra Celli to wear to your 14th birthday party in order to declare your eligibility to marry?  That’s GYPSYLICIOUS.  Did you invite all of your friends to spend ONE NIGHT with you on the Jersey Shore because your parents hi-jacked your summer vacation by forcing you to visit them in Michigan for four days causing you to lose a week’s worth of income because you work a service job?  Well that would be JERSEYLICIOUS.  But yeah, I invited all (most–sorry if I didn’t invite you) of my friends to come to the Jersey Shore with me for ONE JERSEYLICIOUS NIGHT ONLY, which is why WE WENT TO ASBURY PARK:

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Let me tell you what happens when you plan a trip TWO MONTHS IN ADVANCE in the city of NYC where everyone has a goldfish memory for events.  Everyone thinks IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY even though IT IS NOT.  So, yeah, we got to Asbury and everyone thought it was my birthd…

I CAN’T DO THIS

GUYS, I CAN’T BLOG ABOUT ASBURY RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO IS SHOP ONLINE!!!

I’ve been bitten by the BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING BUG!!!!!  Can I still be self-actualized and also want to BUY THINGS????  But like rationally I know I don’t need anything, but also I like NEED NEW THINGS!!!!  I need to KEEP IT FRESH!!!  KEEP IT POPPING!!!!  KEEP IT FRESH AND POPPING!!!!!  KEEP IT CRAIGLICIOUS!!!!!!

Can I show you guys my lookspirations for FALL??????

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UMMM PRADA PRADA PRADA.  Like loving this Prada collection inspired by TRAVELING!!!!  Like, I travel!  I just went to Asbury Park!!! ALSO:

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HEY SAILOR!!!  Ummmm how cute is this SAILOR INSPIRED LOOK????  UGhhhjjjghghgfjjf  WANT

ALSO:

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THIS PIC OF THE OLSEN TWINS who are like my ULTIMATE STYLE ICONS ALWAYS!!!  Aren’t they kind of like lesbian James Dean cool???  Ughghhghgakljadjlfla;kjfals  Also like RULE NUMBER ONE of being OLSEN-LICIOUS is ALWAYS CARRY A DRINK CUP.  DONE

FINALLY

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ASTROLICIOUS VERSACE JEANS UGHFDHljfd;alskfjdasl;adw

WANT

NEED

LIKE these Jeans make me want to create an Amazon wishlist and flirt with Sugar Daddies on Tumblr just like that one 15 year old girl I follow.  I wonder if people ever buy her anything off her wishlist???  Like how does that even work? SEX-WORKLICIOUS!!!!  PEDOPHILICIOUS!!!!!!

Okay, obvi I can’t AFFORD to do ANY B2S (back2skool) shopping because I am a PLEBIAN and have been paying off my credit card debt for the last two years and DON’T NEED another SETBACK like that time I…. OKAY NOT GETTING INTO IT

BUT, I’m trying to codify my look for FALL/WINTER 2016  and so far what I’ve got is like STAR-TRAVELER MAXIMALIST AGE OF AQUARIUS REALNESS.  I’m going to think about it and get back to you guys.

My look for S/S was called “SUMMER GUIDO” which was actually a TRIUMPH if I do declare!!!  I bought matching Versace swim trunks and briefs and wore them all summer with a gold chain and my hair slicked back.  It was glorious!!!!  Which is also kind of why I wanted to go to Asbury Park.  To really just marinate in all my Summer Guido-licious-ness

Guys, ASBURY WAS A BLAST!!! It was super fun and I was so HAPPY that my friends came!!!!!!  But also, when things go SO WELL there’s really not much to report so I’m just gonna breeze through this:

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KIM AND CARLOS ATE A WHOPPERITO like LADY AND THE TRAMP

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WTF IS A WHOPPERITO?  It is a whopper burrito from Burger King.  I was on the treadmill at the gym and watched a ten-minute long news segment about it.  WHOPPERITOLICIOUS!!!!!

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Here we are checking into our hotel, the BRAND NEW ASBURY HOTEL.  It was WONDERFUL except for the fact that it DID NOT HAVE ROOM SERVICE.  When I am on vacation I like to pretend to be a Kardashian, which involves me NOT having to go down to the bar in the lobby to buy drinks to bring back to my SUITE

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WE ATE PIZZA.  PIZZALICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!

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WE TOOK A SELFIE IN OUR SUITE!!!  It was GLORIOUS like the new BRITNEY ALBUM to which we listened.  Also Carly Slay Legendsen’s SIDE B.  Do you see Jane taking the selfie???  SELFIELICIOUSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! 😉

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HERE IS THE SELFIE!!!!!  SELFIELICIOUS xINFINITY

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WE WENT TO THE BEACH.  BEACHLICIOUS!!!!

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WE RODE A CART TO THE TEA DANCE.  BEN’S EYEBROWS ON FLEEK! EYEBROWLICIOUS!!!!!!

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THERE WAS ONE SAD GOGO DANCER AT THE TEA DANCE.  STRIPPERLICIOUS!!!!!

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WE WERE HUNGOVER AT THE POOL THE NEXT DAY.  POOLLICIOUS? POOL-LICIOUS?  Maybe just one “L”?  Poolicious?  Is this concept getting a little sweaty maybe?  Are you guys tiredlicious of it yetlicious?

Jersey was VERY JERSEY.  Like that’s all I have to say about it.

 

Then we took the TRAIN HOME

THE END

THUS CONCLUDES THIS JERSEYLICIOUS POST

AND THE ONLY ADJECTIVE I HAVE TO DESCRIBE IT IS:

GET READY

MIND ABOUT TO BE BLOWN

3

2

1

LICIOUSLICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too meta?

Did your head explode? Mine did. Someone grab a mop

 

 

We Took Shroomz

Guys, life is HARD.  Challenges and stress present themselves to us DAILY, and sometimes it is a STRUGGLE to stay on the UP and UP.  Honestly, I’m 33, and I really thought I’d be self-actualized by now.  BUT UNFORTUNATELY I still have a lot of WORK.  BUT GOOD NEWS, Susan Miller, the world’s most PRE-EMINENT ASTROLOGIST says that we have already entered the AGE OF AQUARIUS.  She has a super long article about it on her website, of which I read about half before I got fatigued.  But essentially, Susan Miller thinks that we left the Age of Pisces (which is like the age of RELIGION–because like Pisces is a fish, and people put that little fish thing on their car to represent JESUS) and entered the AGE OF AQUARIUS in 1999!!!!!!  The Age of Aquarius is one of INTERNETZ and CONNECTEDNESS because Aquarius is a SOCIAL SIGN unlike that stoopid fish Pisces which just swims around in its own stream just ignoring everyone.  AND IN AN ATTEMPT TO feel CONNECTEDNESS with the UNIVERSE and USHER IN the AGE OF AQUARIUS, WE TOOK SHROOMZ:

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Kim and I have never taken SHROOMS before, but as participants in our CONTEMPORARY CULTURE we are usually DOWN FOR WHATEVER, so when our co-worker offered to sell us SHROOM CHOCOLATES for $20 each, we were like, “Jeah!”  We bought them like three months ago, but only took them just NOW because, I have to admit, I WAS SCARED.  Like, I thought I was going to go through a wormhole and FACE DEATH and like be out of it for six hours and wake up all sweaty.  And honestly, on my day off I would rather get sweaty at the gym whilst reading US Weekly on the elliptical and then lose six hours watching the Kardashians travel to CUBA and then bicker about Chy-mojis instead of traveling to the END OF THE EARTH THROUGH A WORMHOLE AND FACING DEATH. BUT AS A WORK IN PROGRESS, I realize that I have to face my FEARS and be OPEN to new experiences, so I finally agreed to take the SHROOM CHOCOLATE that had been sitting in my desk drawer forever.  Also, I thought I wanted to go to CUBA until I saw it on KUWTK, but now I have decided that it would not be a good holiday destination for a GAY MAN who likes to get on the wireless internetz ON OCCASION.

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Okay so this is the SHROOM CHOCOLATE.  The top of the chocolate looked vaguely vaginal, and the bottom had a weird pink swirl thing on it that made me think, “OKAY, YEAH this is probably legitimately drugs because WTF.”  You can see the inside was sort of grayish, like a mushroom.  Well, down the hatch!  Then Kim and I headed to the BROOKLYN BOTANIC GARDEN to commune with nature and feel CONNECTEDNESS.

 

GUYS, I hate to tell you this, but BEING ON SHROOMS just wasn’t that CRAZY.  Like, I don’t have much to report.  I think that the chocolates we ate had a fairly low dosage, because we just got a mild body high that lasted about two hours.  Also, I thought that the GRASS looked MORE 3-D, which I commented to KIM and then immediately realized that it sounded ridiculous, because something is either 3-D or it isn’t.  Like, it can’t be MORE 3-D.  But like, DRUGZ MAN.  Also, Kim thought everything was very BEAUTIFUL and that everything looked like AN INSTAGRAM FILTER, which I thought was quite POETIC considering we are now in the AGE OF AQUARIUS and like INTERNET and CONNECTEDNESS.  SOCIAL MEDIA.

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Here we are about to enter the GARDEN

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IN THE GARDEN.  There was ART that looked like POOL NOODLES.

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THIS is the picture Kim took of me when she said everything looked like INSTAGRAM and that I looked like INSTAGRAM and should be on INSTAGRAM.  Did I put the picture on INSTAGRAM?  NO.  Because I am LAZY and did not want to deal with having to ACTUALLY FILTER IT because even though it looked to Kim like I was in an Instagram filter, I am actually NOT.

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Here is KIM in the garden under the INFLUENCE and staring at the VEINS in HER ARM.  Our co-worker that sold us our SHROOM CHOCOLATES told us that when HE took HIS shroom chocolate it CHANGED HIS LIFE because when he was tripping he looked down at his arm and saw like TOXINS running through his veins and like KNEW in THAT MOMENT that he needed to quit SMOKING so then right afterward he QUIT SMOKING!!!!  OMG.  Did Kim see toxins running through her veins that made her QUIT SMOKING??? No.  She did not.

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Did I mention we saw a dog frolicking in a fountain???  That was like in front of the Art Museum before we even entered the Botanic Garden.  It was SO CUTE I took a video.  Oh also around this point everything started to get kind of fuzzy and I was like OMG everything is FUZZY because SHROOMZ or maybe just like my contacts have dried out, and then I couldn’t figure out if it was the DRUQS or the CONTACTZ

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Here are Kim and me in the LILY PAD GARDEN.  At this point Kim and I had sat on the grass for like TWO HOURS having a H2H (heart to heart) chat, and then I was like, “Kim, let’s go to the Lily Pad Garden because Lily Pads are my FAVE.”  As we were walking to said LPG, I was like, “Kim, I think I’m done with my shroom trip.  Like, I think it’s over.”  And she was like, “yeah.”  And then I was like, “did I even trip?  Like did anything even happen?”  And then Kim was like, “Craig, we just had a two hour long talk on the grass.”  And I was like, “whoah.”  So like I guess we DID TRIP because we normally do not talk that long without getting distracted.  Did I feel CONNECTEDNESS with EVERY MEMBER OF THE HUMAN RACE???? NO.  But did I feel connectedness with KIM?  YES.  So I guess that was worth the trip (get it?  “worth the trip?”  nyuk nyuk).

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We then decided we were HUNGRY so we took the train back to my neighborhood.  Above is the Parkside stop.  Isn’t it CUUUTE?  I feel like the next time I take shrooms I’m going to just sit at the Parkside subway stop holding a BIG LILY PAD above my head while waiting for TOTORO.  But like I think I’m going to need a stronger chocolate to get TOTORO to actually show up.

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We went to that Mexican place on Courtelyou Road that I walk past whenever I go to Sycamore Bar that I have been meaning to try since I moved to the neighborhood two years ago.  It was actually really delicious and inexpensive.  See delicious Mexican food above.  Then Kim went home in an uber and I changed clothes and went to my YOGA FUNDAMENTALS class at the NEW DUMBO EQUINOX!!!!!  Yes, I finally made it to my yoga class.  ALSO, this is kind of funny, but you know how girls are cultured to talk about themselves negatively? Like, “negative self-talk” or whatever?  Well when the teacher was walking around helping people with their POSES, this one girl was like, “OMG i’m SO SORRY I’m like SO INFLEXIBLE I SUCK” because the instructor corrected her pose a little bit, and then the teacher was like, “actually, the binary of FLEXIBLE and INFLEXIBLE is a little antiquated and we shouldn’t focus on those terms.”  LOL

BUT YEAH, HE’s RIGHT.  This is the AGE OF AQUARIUS, remember???  Let’s not focus on TERMS and BINARIES.  Let’s try to feel COMPASSION and CONNECTEDNESS to ourselves and others.

OMG DID I JUST SELF-ACTUALIZE???

LIKE AM I SELF-ACTUALIZED RIGHT NOW?????

LIKE, GUYS, I THINK I’M SELF-ACTUALIZED ALL OF A SUDDEN and it only took ONE YOGA CLASS and some shrooms.  So that’s the secret!  I should start a lifestyle blog like GOOP now that I have all the answers!  OH WAIT, I already HAVE A LIFESTYLE BLOG called We Do Thingz so everyone can just EAT SHIT AND DIE:

There goes mama, spwashin in the wa-ta

No more fightin wit dad, no more restraining order

No more step-da-da, no more new brother

Blow her kisses bye-bye, tell mama you love her (mommy!)

Now we’ll go play in the sand, build a castle and junk

But first, just help dad with two more things out the trunk

 

We Went to the Met

Everybody knows about the Met Ball now, since you know, CELEBRITIES and like FASHION, but did you know that the Met Ball celebrates the opening of a Costume Institute Exhibit???  Yes, you probably knew that.

But did you know what a PAIN IN THE ASS it is to go uptown to the MET in the summertime when you live in bumblefuck Brooklyn???  It’s ANNOYING.  There’s like TOURISTS and the 4,5,6 train is ALWAYS CROWDED.  Like, soooo crowded.  When is the 2nd Avenue line going to be finished?  OH, that’s right, IN 2077.  Okay, so to like make the annual gay man pilgrimage to the Costume Institute Exhibit a little more palatable Kim and I decided to pretend to be Gossip Girls for the day and like tool around the Upper East Side pretending to be rich and like maybe eat at Sarabeth’s.  Since Kim lives in Bushwick, and I live in Flatbush, we decided to meet at the Union Square Starbucks.  But FIRST, CRAIG PICKS UP HIS PACKAGE

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DO YOU SEE THIS LINE???  THIS IS THE TWO HOUR LINE I HAD TO WAIT IN TO PICK UP THE $15 POSTURE BRACE I ORDERED ON AMAZON WITH MY FITBIT OSCAR DOLLARS.  Dear Flatbush Post Office, you are a MISERABLE PLACE and you should be RAZED TO THE GROUND.  Would Blair and Serena wait in a TWO HOUR LINE for a package??? NO. Decidedly not.  Because they live in DOORMAN BUILDINGS.  But I do not, so I stood in the package line for exactly two hours and four minutes listening to Kate Bush and drinking a liter of water so that I could hydrate my skin like Cameron Diaz recommends in The Body Book.  And YES, I am trying to correct my slouchy posture.  Would Blair and Serena need posture braces?  MAYBE?? But probably not.  As gorgeous genetic specimens both, I would assume they were born with perfect posture.

OKAY SO WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE MET.  Also, Kim got that new Iced Coffee Cold Brew with the Sweet Vanilla Cream that Starbucks is pushing on us and IT WAS GOOD as you would expect from CAFFEINE AND SUGAR.  Here we are finally on the steps of the Met:

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Now to the Costume Exhibit which this year is MANUS x MACHINA which just means that like DUH BITCHES THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION HAPPENED and guess what?  MACHINES MAKE CLOTHES NOW.  But the Met is like trying to impress us so they’re all like COMPUTERS and 3-D PRINTERS and like PLEATS PLEASE and look at this THING BJORK WORE ON HER HEAD.  Really, the only thing I learned is that Iris Van Herpen is YOUNGER THAN ME.  Like I guess I always just assumed she was like the same age as Bjork, but NO.  CLOTHES:

PRADA PRADA PRADA!! Remember when these were on like EVERY MAGAZINE COVER????  Embellishments are fun

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We loved these pretty PINK numbers.  We decided I would wear the slutty yet expensive Valentino on the left to my quincenera, and that Kim would wear the fluffy Valli on the right to hers.

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OMG IT’S THAT THING BJORK WORE.  I freaked out a little, Kim remained nonplussed.

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MORE FASHUNZ.   By this time we were already tired.  Can you tell?  Fashion is exhausting.

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BUT WE WEREN’T DONE.  It was time to EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP.  You have to give the Met a little credit:  they have NO SHAME.  In addition to pretending like it costs $25 for admission when you can ACTUALLY JUST GIVE THEM A NICKEL, everything in the Manus x Machina shop was RIDICULOUS AND OVERPRICED.  Kim and I LOVED IT of course.

My PERSONAL FAVORITE was this set of three Manus x Machina branded nail polish for only $42

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Maybe you want to take a little piece of the exhibit home?  Impress your friends back home with one o’ them fancy designers they ain’t never heard of?  OH, HERE’S A HUSSEIN CHALAYAN T-SHIRT FOR $355.  (BTW, Hussein Chalayan t-shirts are best purchased at Tokio 7 for $40)

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We were done with the FASHUNZ, but we were NOT done with the MET!!!  THERE WAS MORE TO SEE!!!!  There was a house on the roof that you couldn’t go into!!!!  SITE SPECIFIC INSTALLATION!!!!!!!!  ART!!!!!  There were two adorable children under an umbrella that probably should have been the centerpiece of the stoopid Manus x Machina show.  There were artifacts from the ancient city of Pergamon on loan from Berlin and antiquities from the age of Islamic Enlightenment!!!!!  There were crime photos in a little room that we went in by accident because we were lost!  There was a painting of MARIA-THERESA, the Spanish Infanta forced to marry Louis XIV!!!!!!

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WE DID IT!!!!! WE DID THE MET!!!! WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED WE WERE EXHAUSTED.  Kim passed out on a round, blue cushion.

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WE WERE STARVING.  WE NEEDED TO EAT.  We went to PIZZA BEACH because it came up when we put “restaurant” into our google map and because Kim LOVES PIZZA.  For our first course we had the brussel sprout salad and the cheesy Mexican corn.

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Then we had this delicious looking pizza:

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We ate everything because it was delicious.  Pizza Beach is kind of like a hipster CPK which is GREAT because I LOVE CPK.  I had a birthday dinner there once, and all my friends complained that they had to go to Kip’s Bay (granted, they complain if they have to go anywhere more than a block from their apartments).  Here’s a sexy/pouty selfie I took while Kim was in the bathroom:

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Okay, DAY OVER.  THE END.  Did we live out our Gossip Girl fantasies on the UES?  MAYBE.  I don’t think Serena and Blair would have had to do as much walking as we had to do.  Also, I don’t think they would have been at the Met on a Tuesday afternoon.  They would have been there at night for a glamorous party, and then like snuck into the Manus x Machina exhibit to like make out with Chuck Bass or Penn Badgley or whoever.  But also FUCK THAT. If I was Blair or Serena, I wouldn’t be making out with dumb old Chuck Bass or that wimpy gossip boy in the stoopid Costume Institute exhibit–I would be TRIPLE KISSING both HARRY BRANT and PETER BRANT JR in the TEMPLE OF DENDUR because the Brant Brothers are trying to seduce me and they had their Billionaire father rent out the ENTIRE MUSEUM FOR A DAY and they like invited me to meet them at the Temple of Dendur for a picnic lunch and I showed up like wearing a custom Iris Van Herpen because as a rich gossip girl I of course am a private client of hers and the minute the Brant brothers saw me in my Iris Van Herpen Couture they sprung instant bonerz and forgot all about the picnic lunch they had catered by Dean and Deluca.  And then that’s when we triple kiss.  BLOG ABOUT THAT DAN HUMPHREY!!! ARE YOU JEALOUS!!!!?

Okay, but did I come anywhere close to that kind of gossip girl-level decadence?  Did I even make out with anyone?  Does a pizza count?  I kind of made out with that lamb sausage pizza.

SPOTTED:  CRAIG AND A MYSTERY PIZZA CANOODLING ON THE UES

There’s your blind item.

xoxo,

Gossip Craig and Kim

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ALSO ONE FINAL NOTE TO THE MET:  YOU WILL NEVER TOP A HOLOGRAM OF KATE MOSS, so maybe stop trying?

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