WE DO THINGZ

Lifestyle for the Lazy

Category: Night Out

We Went to Asbury Park

When you watch as much REALITY TELEVISION as me, you learn that the best way to turn a noun into an adjective is to add the suffix “-licious” to it.  Did you just order the biggest, blingenest dress from Sondra Celli to wear to your 14th birthday party in order to declare your eligibility to marry?  That’s GYPSYLICIOUS.  Did you invite all of your friends to spend ONE NIGHT with you on the Jersey Shore because your parents hi-jacked your summer vacation by forcing you to visit them in Michigan for four days causing you to lose a week’s worth of income because you work a service job?  Well that would be JERSEYLICIOUS.  But yeah, I invited all (most–sorry if I didn’t invite you) of my friends to come to the Jersey Shore with me for ONE JERSEYLICIOUS NIGHT ONLY, which is why WE WENT TO ASBURY PARK:

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Let me tell you what happens when you plan a trip TWO MONTHS IN ADVANCE in the city of NYC where everyone has a goldfish memory for events.  Everyone thinks IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY even though IT IS NOT.  So, yeah, we got to Asbury and everyone thought it was my birthd…

I CAN’T DO THIS

GUYS, I CAN’T BLOG ABOUT ASBURY RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO IS SHOP ONLINE!!!

I’ve been bitten by the BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING BUG!!!!!  Can I still be self-actualized and also want to BUY THINGS????  But like rationally I know I don’t need anything, but also I like NEED NEW THINGS!!!!  I need to KEEP IT FRESH!!!  KEEP IT POPPING!!!!  KEEP IT FRESH AND POPPING!!!!!  KEEP IT CRAIGLICIOUS!!!!!!

Can I show you guys my lookspirations for FALL??????

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UMMM PRADA PRADA PRADA.  Like loving this Prada collection inspired by TRAVELING!!!!  Like, I travel!  I just went to Asbury Park!!! ALSO:

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HEY SAILOR!!!  Ummmm how cute is this SAILOR INSPIRED LOOK????  UGhhhjjjghghgfjjf  WANT

ALSO:

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THIS PIC OF THE OLSEN TWINS who are like my ULTIMATE STYLE ICONS ALWAYS!!!  Aren’t they kind of like lesbian James Dean cool???  Ughghhghgakljadjlfla;kjfals  Also like RULE NUMBER ONE of being OLSEN-LICIOUS is ALWAYS CARRY A DRINK CUP.  DONE

FINALLY

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ASTROLICIOUS VERSACE JEANS UGHFDHljfd;alskfjdasl;adw

WANT

NEED

LIKE these Jeans make me want to create an Amazon wishlist and flirt with Sugar Daddies on Tumblr just like that one 15 year old girl I follow.  I wonder if people ever buy her anything off her wishlist???  Like how does that even work? SEX-WORKLICIOUS!!!!  PEDOPHILICIOUS!!!!!!

Okay, obvi I can’t AFFORD to do ANY B2S (back2skool) shopping because I am a PLEBIAN and have been paying off my credit card debt for the last two years and DON’T NEED another SETBACK like that time I…. OKAY NOT GETTING INTO IT

BUT, I’m trying to codify my look for FALL/WINTER 2016  and so far what I’ve got is like STAR-TRAVELER MAXIMALIST AGE OF AQUARIUS REALNESS.  I’m going to think about it and get back to you guys.

My look for S/S was called “SUMMER GUIDO” which was actually a TRIUMPH if I do declare!!!  I bought matching Versace swim trunks and briefs and wore them all summer with a gold chain and my hair slicked back.  It was glorious!!!!  Which is also kind of why I wanted to go to Asbury Park.  To really just marinate in all my Summer Guido-licious-ness

Guys, ASBURY WAS A BLAST!!! It was super fun and I was so HAPPY that my friends came!!!!!!  But also, when things go SO WELL there’s really not much to report so I’m just gonna breeze through this:

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KIM AND CARLOS ATE A WHOPPERITO like LADY AND THE TRAMP

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WTF IS A WHOPPERITO?  It is a whopper burrito from Burger King.  I was on the treadmill at the gym and watched a ten-minute long news segment about it.  WHOPPERITOLICIOUS!!!!!

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Here we are checking into our hotel, the BRAND NEW ASBURY HOTEL.  It was WONDERFUL except for the fact that it DID NOT HAVE ROOM SERVICE.  When I am on vacation I like to pretend to be a Kardashian, which involves me NOT having to go down to the bar in the lobby to buy drinks to bring back to my SUITE

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WE ATE PIZZA.  PIZZALICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!

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WE TOOK A SELFIE IN OUR SUITE!!!  It was GLORIOUS like the new BRITNEY ALBUM to which we listened.  Also Carly Slay Legendsen’s SIDE B.  Do you see Jane taking the selfie???  SELFIELICIOUSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! 😉

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HERE IS THE SELFIE!!!!!  SELFIELICIOUS xINFINITY

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WE WENT TO THE BEACH.  BEACHLICIOUS!!!!

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WE RODE A CART TO THE TEA DANCE.  BEN’S EYEBROWS ON FLEEK! EYEBROWLICIOUS!!!!!!

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THERE WAS ONE SAD GOGO DANCER AT THE TEA DANCE.  STRIPPERLICIOUS!!!!!

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WE WERE HUNGOVER AT THE POOL THE NEXT DAY.  POOLLICIOUS? POOL-LICIOUS?  Maybe just one “L”?  Poolicious?  Is this concept getting a little sweaty maybe?  Are you guys tiredlicious of it yetlicious?

Jersey was VERY JERSEY.  Like that’s all I have to say about it.

 

Then we took the TRAIN HOME

THE END

THUS CONCLUDES THIS JERSEYLICIOUS POST

AND THE ONLY ADJECTIVE I HAVE TO DESCRIBE IT IS:

GET READY

MIND ABOUT TO BE BLOWN

3

2

1

LICIOUSLICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too meta?

Did your head explode? Mine did. Someone grab a mop

 

 

We Had Drinkz

Remember when you were in your twenties, and you would go out for drinks EVERY NIGHT and it was always soooo funnnnn and like maybe you’d spend too much money in the jukebox at the Boiler Room playing Ke$ha songs but it DIDN’T MATTER because you were young/and you were broke/and you couldn’t find your coat/and the sun is coming up/and OH MY GOD you think you’re still drunk????

Well going for drinks in your thirties is DIFFERENT, especially if LIKE ME you had to attend an out-patient rehab in your 27th year.  And so maybe, just maybe, whenever you agree to go out for drinks you hear the voice of your therapist Ron in your head reminding you that substance abuse is a CHRONIC ILLNESS that can’t be cured, rather it must be MANAGED your ENTIRE LIFE.  And maybe when the “day of” rolls around you’re kind of hoping that your friends are tired or maybe something came up and you really wanted to go to your YOGA FUNDAMENTALS class at the new DUMBO Equinox at 6:30 PM the next day and you won’t still be hungover at 6:30 PM the next day will you (?) but FUCK IT, YOU HAVE A BLOG THAT NEEDS CONTENT, SO:

WE HAD DRINKZ

Since Kim and I work as service industry slaves at Freemans, and I had to work the night we agreed to have drinks, we decided it would be best to simply meet at Freemans since I would have just gotten off my shift and am entitled to ONE FREE SHIFT DRINK.

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I persuaded Olivia the barback above to make me the EL GRAN COMBO, which we were told in our cocktails meeting was “like a Tiki drink.”  I LOVE TIKI DRINKS, so that is why I ordered it as my SHIFT DRINK.  However, I love Tiki drinks because they usually come in a ridiculous cup shaped like a Toucan, Pineapple, or Moai Head with lots of ridiculous garnishes including but not limited to fruit, flowers, umbrellas, and those cute little plastic monkeys you get at the Rusty Knot.  Well that drink lasted me like 30 seconds.  SO ON TO THE NEXT.

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Did you know that DOROTHY WANG, billionaire’s daughter, owner of MANY BIRKINS, and star of the underrated terrible/amazing reality show #Richkids of Beverly Hills drinks “a skinny, spicy margarita?”  Sometimes she “asks them to makes it a double if I’m really trying to have a good night.”  Neither DID I until I read it in Life&Style earlier that day!!!!  But since I am always really trying to have a REALLY GOOD NIGHT and be more like DOROTHY WANG, I asked the bartender Fowzy to make a MARGARITA THAT WAS LIKE ME: both SKINNY AND SPICY. (or maybe “I like my margaritas like I like my MEN:  skinny, spicy, and double.” We can workshop it later (twins.  I want to fuck twins, get it?)) He ignored me until I had to ask again.  In his defense, he is VERY COOL and I don’t think he intentionally ignored me because he was too busy being all cool and nonchalant-like:

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ALCOHOL UNITS: 3

At this point, Russell arrived and Kim (who doesn’t drink) decided we should get ice cream because it IS SUMMER and ICE CREAM.  I personally stopped eating ice cream a few years ago to stay Skinny&Spicy but this blog DEMANDS CONTENT so we went to the ULTRA HIP ice cream place next to the ULTRA HIP restaurant WHERE WE WORK.  Did I mention you have to be ULTRA HIP to work at an ULTRA HIP place?  Yes, I AM ULTRA HIP

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At 10:30 PM on a MONDAY (did I mention that we work in the service industry so Monday night is our INDUSTRY NIGHT to get DRANKZ) the line for Morgenstern’s was STILL OUT THE DOOR because did I mention it is ULTRA HIP and ICE CREAM????

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Finally we made it in the door!!  VICTORY SELFIES:

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LOOK AT THESE ULTRA HIP ICE CREAM FLAVORS.  LOOK AT THIS ULTRA HIP EMPLOYEE WITH SCENE HAIR.

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Kim picked out a classic Strawberry cone, Russell did a twist on traditional with Bourbon Vanilla, and because I am a weirdo who can’t help himself I had a KID’s CUP of Durian Banana.  BTW my very FIRST JOB was working at a Ritter’s Frozen Custard in Zionsville, Indiana.  Did you guys know this about me?  Like that girl with the scene hair?  THAT WAS LITERALLY ME for three months in the year 2001.  So I know all about that #icecream life.  Which is why I know to order a Kid’s Cup as like a perverse sorority girl diet tip and to save $$$.  Like at Ritter’s we had digital food scales and we would WEIGH EACH SCOOP before it could go out the window.  And like each scoop had to be a certain amount of ounces, and the Kid’s cup was like 1 ounce less or something stupid like that.  But also I know that you can use “cup” and “dish” interchangeably which is why I was annoyed that the Morgenstern’s employee that took my order was like “you want it in a dish?” when I ordered a KID’S CUP.  But maybe she was just giving me GRIEF because I was a 33 year-old gay man in a SPRING BREAK 4EVAH bandana ordering a kid’s cup of Durian Banana at now 10:45 on a Monday night after consuming three alcohol units?  Am I the annoying one????  Possibly.

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My kid’s cup and Kim’s Strawberry cone.  BTW my ice cream was GROSS but kind of good, like a DURIAN.  Like I had forgotten that DURIAN is GROSS but kind of good, but was reminded by my ice cream.  Kim thought it smelled terrible and would not taste it when i was like, “OMG THIS TASTES DISGUSTING YOU HAVE TO TRY IT!!!!” and held a spoon up to her face.  Do you guys remember the Ellen Degeneres comedy CD “Taste This”?  Well my high school best friend/fellow Ritter’s employee Jason had a copy of it.

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Here are Russel and Kim seductively eating their cones.  Hmmmm I wonder what Jason is doing RIGHT NOW?  Do you think he’ll read this blog post some late night after he looks me up on Facebook or googles my name?  We had a weird falling out in college and lost touch.  I sent him a Facebook message a few years later when I was home for Thanksgiving asking him if he wanted to get coffee, but he never responded.  Hi Jason!  I would still get coffee with you.

Also I’d like to take a moment to mention that even though I NO LONGER EAT ICE CREAM even though I did for the purpose of this blog, that I am FIRMLY a DISH MAN.  Like EVEN AS A CHILD I hated CONES.  Like I hated how messy they were and how they would allow ice cream to drip on your hands and get your hands all sticky.  USING A SPOON TO EAT ICE CREAM is what seperates MAN FROM BEASTS.

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Possibly the best thing about Morgenstern’s is that it has a SELFIE MIRROR for taking selfies in.  See above.

Do you remember how I love Tiki drinks???  Well, after Morgenstern’s we decided to head to TIKI TABU, at SIXTY LES.  Fowzy the bartender told us that it had like a “fun vibe” but there were “alcoves where you could just chill.”  Which if I didn’t know any better sounds like a canned response that a bartender would give you when you asked them about ANY BAR.  However, we were not able to verify these “fun vibes” or “chill alcoves” because TIKI TABU had closed early because MONDAY.  However, the man at the SIXTY LES desk suggested we have a drink at Blue Ribbon Sushi Izakaya, which was NOT CLOSED:

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I ordered like a Tequila Sazerac thingy I think because I thought like “OH, I SHOULD STICK TO TEQUILA” even though my first drink (the tiki one) was RUM BASED.

ALCOHOL UNITS: 1.5

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By this time Kim was very tired (and not even drinking her water) so Russell and I sent her home and decided to hit the bars in OUR NEIGHBORHOOD of Leffert’s Gardens/Prospect Park South.  Here we are at ERV’S drinking something with a grapefruit twist (that’s all I remember about it).  ERV’s is FINE but like always obnoxiously crowded with people who give you that judgy “this is OUR neighborhood bar” stare when you walk in, not realizing that BARS are BUSINESSES and ANYONE CAN ENTER THEM.  Or maybe they were just staring at my bandana that I had forgotten I was wearing at that point?  I don’t know–it’s like BROOKLYN.  Bandanas are pretty de rigueur.

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ALCOHOL UNITS: 1.5

Then we popped across the street to finish the night at MIDWOOD FLATS where I stupidly decided to order a shot of whiskey and a beer, closed out my tab, and then decided I needed another whiskey and a beer.  Flash forward to three days later and imagine me freaking out about having two IDENTICAL CHARGES from MIDWOOD FLATS on my bank statement and then being like OHHHHHH.  YEAHHhhhhhhh. THAT HAPPENEdddd.

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ALCOHOL UNITS: 5

TOTAL ALCOHOL UNITS: 11

CHILDREN do you know what happens when you are 33 and you consume 11 ALCOHOL UNITS comprised of RUM, TEQUILA, WHISKEY, and BEER????  You are violently ill THE NEXT DAY.  You maybe spit up a little liquid on your pillow and then run to the bathroom where you vomit into the sink and then dry heave for twenty minutes.  Maybe you snap a selfie of yourself looking miserable as you hide back under the covers of your bed, forgetting to flip your pillow over and laying your head down into a wet spot.

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You miss your 6:30 PM YOGA FUNDAMENTALS class at the new Dumbo Equinox.  Your sleep cycle gets fucked up so that the next night you stay up until 6:00 AM playing the video game SEVERED on your ipad.  You’re tired and grumpy the next day at work when you have to serve a party of double-gay nightlife icons celebrating a 50th birthday.  Maybe you’ve been tired and grumpy all week so Sunday night you can’t keep your shady comments to yourself so now all your coworkers think you’re a raging cunt, and, being the HSP that you are, that throws you into a shame spiral where you spend the next day fixating on whether or not you’re a terrible, hateful person who lacks compassion and maybe that is why you had that falling out with Jason and why he wouldn’t get coffee with you and NOW ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE PATTERNED AFTER THAT and THAT’S WHY YOU’RE STILL SINGLE AND WILL NEVER FIND LOVE

but then you remember that therapist Ron told you that to have love and compassion for others you have to have love and compassion for yourself so you stop beating yourself up and remember that we all have flaws and you are going to DO BETTER NEXT WEEK so you spend the evening shopping for beard combs on Amazon and typing up your blog post

THE END

and Craig lived happily ever after, eventually reaching self-actualization, finding a hot boyfriend, and NEVER DRINKING AGAIN

J/K!!!: I’LL STICK TO BEER AND WINE NEXT TIME 😉

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