Guys, life is HARD. Challenges and stress present themselves to us DAILY, and sometimes it is a STRUGGLE to stay on the UP and UP. Honestly, I’m 33, and I really thought I’d be self-actualized by now. BUT UNFORTUNATELY I still have a lot of WORK. BUT GOOD NEWS, Susan Miller, the world’s most PRE-EMINENT ASTROLOGIST says that we have already entered the AGE OF AQUARIUS. She has a super long article about it on her website, of which I read about half before I got fatigued. But essentially, Susan Miller thinks that we left the Age of Pisces (which is like the age of RELIGION–because like Pisces is a fish, and people put that little fish thing on their car to represent JESUS) and entered the AGE OF AQUARIUS in 1999!!!!!! The Age of Aquarius is one of INTERNETZ and CONNECTEDNESS because Aquarius is a SOCIAL SIGN unlike that stoopid fish Pisces which just swims around in its own stream just ignoring everyone. AND IN AN ATTEMPT TO feel CONNECTEDNESS with the UNIVERSE and USHER IN the AGE OF AQUARIUS, WE TOOK SHROOMZ:
Kim and I have never taken SHROOMS before, but as participants in our CONTEMPORARY CULTURE we are usually DOWN FOR WHATEVER, so when our co-worker offered to sell us SHROOM CHOCOLATES for $20 each, we were like, “Jeah!” We bought them like three months ago, but only took them just NOW because, I have to admit, I WAS SCARED. Like, I thought I was going to go through a wormhole and FACE DEATH and like be out of it for six hours and wake up all sweaty. And honestly, on my day off I would rather get sweaty at the gym whilst reading US Weekly on the elliptical and then lose six hours watching the Kardashians travel to CUBA and then bicker about Chy-mojis instead of traveling to the END OF THE EARTH THROUGH A WORMHOLE AND FACING DEATH. BUT AS A WORK IN PROGRESS, I realize that I have to face my FEARS and be OPEN to new experiences, so I finally agreed to take the SHROOM CHOCOLATE that had been sitting in my desk drawer forever. Also, I thought I wanted to go to CUBA until I saw it on KUWTK, but now I have decided that it would not be a good holiday destination for a GAY MAN who likes to get on the wireless internetz ON OCCASION.
Okay so this is the SHROOM CHOCOLATE. The top of the chocolate looked vaguely vaginal, and the bottom had a weird pink swirl thing on it that made me think, “OKAY, YEAH this is probably legitimately drugs because WTF.” You can see the inside was sort of grayish, like a mushroom. Well, down the hatch! Then Kim and I headed to the BROOKLYN BOTANIC GARDEN to commune with nature and feel CONNECTEDNESS.
GUYS, I hate to tell you this, but BEING ON SHROOMS just wasn’t that CRAZY. Like, I don’t have much to report. I think that the chocolates we ate had a fairly low dosage, because we just got a mild body high that lasted about two hours. Also, I thought that the GRASS looked MORE 3-D, which I commented to KIM and then immediately realized that it sounded ridiculous, because something is either 3-D or it isn’t. Like, it can’t be MORE 3-D. But like, DRUGZ MAN. Also, Kim thought everything was very BEAUTIFUL and that everything looked like AN INSTAGRAM FILTER, which I thought was quite POETIC considering we are now in the AGE OF AQUARIUS and like INTERNET and CONNECTEDNESS. SOCIAL MEDIA.
Here we are about to enter the GARDEN
IN THE GARDEN. There was ART that looked like POOL NOODLES.
THIS is the picture Kim took of me when she said everything looked like INSTAGRAM and that I looked like INSTAGRAM and should be on INSTAGRAM. Did I put the picture on INSTAGRAM? NO. Because I am LAZY and did not want to deal with having to ACTUALLY FILTER IT because even though it looked to Kim like I was in an Instagram filter, I am actually NOT.
Here is KIM in the garden under the INFLUENCE and staring at the VEINS in HER ARM. Our co-worker that sold us our SHROOM CHOCOLATES told us that when HE took HIS shroom chocolate it CHANGED HIS LIFE because when he was tripping he looked down at his arm and saw like TOXINS running through his veins and like KNEW in THAT MOMENT that he needed to quit SMOKING so then right afterward he QUIT SMOKING!!!! OMG. Did Kim see toxins running through her veins that made her QUIT SMOKING??? No. She did not.
Did I mention we saw a dog frolicking in a fountain??? That was like in front of the Art Museum before we even entered the Botanic Garden. It was SO CUTE I took a video. Oh also around this point everything started to get kind of fuzzy and I was like OMG everything is FUZZY because SHROOMZ or maybe just like my contacts have dried out, and then I couldn’t figure out if it was the DRUQS or the CONTACTZ
Here are Kim and me in the LILY PAD GARDEN. At this point Kim and I had sat on the grass for like TWO HOURS having a H2H (heart to heart) chat, and then I was like, “Kim, let’s go to the Lily Pad Garden because Lily Pads are my FAVE.” As we were walking to said LPG, I was like, “Kim, I think I’m done with my shroom trip. Like, I think it’s over.” And she was like, “yeah.” And then I was like, “did I even trip? Like did anything even happen?” And then Kim was like, “Craig, we just had a two hour long talk on the grass.” And I was like, “whoah.” So like I guess we DID TRIP because we normally do not talk that long without getting distracted. Did I feel CONNECTEDNESS with EVERY MEMBER OF THE HUMAN RACE???? NO. But did I feel connectedness with KIM? YES. So I guess that was worth the trip (get it? “worth the trip?” nyuk nyuk).
We then decided we were HUNGRY so we took the train back to my neighborhood. Above is the Parkside stop. Isn’t it CUUUTE? I feel like the next time I take shrooms I’m going to just sit at the Parkside subway stop holding a BIG LILY PAD above my head while waiting for TOTORO. But like I think I’m going to need a stronger chocolate to get TOTORO to actually show up.
We went to that Mexican place on Courtelyou Road that I walk past whenever I go to Sycamore Bar that I have been meaning to try since I moved to the neighborhood two years ago. It was actually really delicious and inexpensive. See delicious Mexican food above. Then Kim went home in an uber and I changed clothes and went to my YOGA FUNDAMENTALS class at the NEW DUMBO EQUINOX!!!!! Yes, I finally made it to my yoga class. ALSO, this is kind of funny, but you know how girls are cultured to talk about themselves negatively? Like, “negative self-talk” or whatever? Well when the teacher was walking around helping people with their POSES, this one girl was like, “OMG i’m SO SORRY I’m like SO INFLEXIBLE I SUCK” because the instructor corrected her pose a little bit, and then the teacher was like, “actually, the binary of FLEXIBLE and INFLEXIBLE is a little antiquated and we shouldn’t focus on those terms.” LOL
BUT YEAH, HE’s RIGHT. This is the AGE OF AQUARIUS, remember??? Let’s not focus on TERMS and BINARIES. Let’s try to feel COMPASSION and CONNECTEDNESS to ourselves and others.
OMG DID I JUST SELF-ACTUALIZE???
LIKE AM I SELF-ACTUALIZED RIGHT NOW?????
LIKE, GUYS, I THINK I’M SELF-ACTUALIZED ALL OF A SUDDEN and it only took ONE YOGA CLASS and some shrooms. So that’s the secret! I should start a lifestyle blog like GOOP now that I have all the answers! OH WAIT, I already HAVE A LIFESTYLE BLOG called We Do Thingz so everyone can just EAT SHIT AND DIE:
There goes mama, spwashin in the wa-ta
No more fightin wit dad, no more restraining order
No more step-da-da, no more new brother
Blow her kisses bye-bye, tell mama you love her (mommy!)
Now we’ll go play in the sand, build a castle and junk
But first, just help dad with two more things out the trunk