Everybody knows about the Met Ball now, since you know, CELEBRITIES and like FASHION, but did you know that the Met Ball celebrates the opening of a Costume Institute Exhibit??? Yes, you probably knew that.
But did you know what a PAIN IN THE ASS it is to go uptown to the MET in the summertime when you live in bumblefuck Brooklyn??? It’s ANNOYING. There’s like TOURISTS and the 4,5,6 train is ALWAYS CROWDED. Like, soooo crowded. When is the 2nd Avenue line going to be finished? OH, that’s right, IN 2077. Okay, so to like make the annual gay man pilgrimage to the Costume Institute Exhibit a little more palatable Kim and I decided to pretend to be Gossip Girls for the day and like tool around the Upper East Side pretending to be rich and like maybe eat at Sarabeth’s. Since Kim lives in Bushwick, and I live in Flatbush, we decided to meet at the Union Square Starbucks. But FIRST, CRAIG PICKS UP HIS PACKAGE
DO YOU SEE THIS LINE??? THIS IS THE TWO HOUR LINE I HAD TO WAIT IN TO PICK UP THE $15 POSTURE BRACE I ORDERED ON AMAZON WITH MY FITBIT OSCAR DOLLARS. Dear Flatbush Post Office, you are a MISERABLE PLACE and you should be RAZED TO THE GROUND. Would Blair and Serena wait in a TWO HOUR LINE for a package??? NO. Decidedly not. Because they live in DOORMAN BUILDINGS. But I do not, so I stood in the package line for exactly two hours and four minutes listening to Kate Bush and drinking a liter of water so that I could hydrate my skin like Cameron Diaz recommends in The Body Book. And YES, I am trying to correct my slouchy posture. Would Blair and Serena need posture braces? MAYBE?? But probably not. As gorgeous genetic specimens both, I would assume they were born with perfect posture.
OKAY SO WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE MET. Also, Kim got that new Iced Coffee Cold Brew with the Sweet Vanilla Cream that Starbucks is pushing on us and IT WAS GOOD as you would expect from CAFFEINE AND SUGAR. Here we are finally on the steps of the Met:
Now to the Costume Exhibit which this year is MANUS x MACHINA which just means that like DUH BITCHES THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION HAPPENED and guess what? MACHINES MAKE CLOTHES NOW. But the Met is like trying to impress us so they’re all like COMPUTERS and 3-D PRINTERS and like PLEATS PLEASE and look at this THING BJORK WORE ON HER HEAD. Really, the only thing I learned is that Iris Van Herpen is YOUNGER THAN ME. Like I guess I always just assumed she was like the same age as Bjork, but NO. CLOTHES:
PRADA PRADA PRADA!! Remember when these were on like EVERY MAGAZINE COVER???? Embellishments are fun
We loved these pretty PINK numbers. We decided I would wear the slutty yet expensive Valentino on the left to my quincenera, and that Kim would wear the fluffy Valli on the right to hers.
OMG IT’S THAT THING BJORK WORE. I freaked out a little, Kim remained nonplussed.
MORE FASHUNZ. By this time we were already tired. Can you tell? Fashion is exhausting.
BUT WE WEREN’T DONE. It was time to EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP. You have to give the Met a little credit: they have NO SHAME. In addition to pretending like it costs $25 for admission when you can ACTUALLY JUST GIVE THEM A NICKEL, everything in the Manus x Machina shop was RIDICULOUS AND OVERPRICED. Kim and I LOVED IT of course.
My PERSONAL FAVORITE was this set of three Manus x Machina branded nail polish for only $42
Maybe you want to take a little piece of the exhibit home? Impress your friends back home with one o’ them fancy designers they ain’t never heard of? OH, HERE’S A HUSSEIN CHALAYAN T-SHIRT FOR $355. (BTW, Hussein Chalayan t-shirts are best purchased at Tokio 7 for $40)
We were done with the FASHUNZ, but we were NOT done with the MET!!! THERE WAS MORE TO SEE!!!! There was a house on the roof that you couldn’t go into!!!! SITE SPECIFIC INSTALLATION!!!!!!!! ART!!!!! There were two adorable children under an umbrella that probably should have been the centerpiece of the stoopid Manus x Machina show. There were artifacts from the ancient city of Pergamon on loan from Berlin and antiquities from the age of Islamic Enlightenment!!!!! There were crime photos in a little room that we went in by accident because we were lost! There was a painting of MARIA-THERESA, the Spanish Infanta forced to marry Louis XIV!!!!!!
WE DID IT!!!!! WE DID THE MET!!!! WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED WE WERE EXHAUSTED. Kim passed out on a round, blue cushion.
WE WERE STARVING. WE NEEDED TO EAT. We went to PIZZA BEACH because it came up when we put “restaurant” into our google map and because Kim LOVES PIZZA. For our first course we had the brussel sprout salad and the cheesy Mexican corn.
Then we had this delicious looking pizza:
We ate everything because it was delicious. Pizza Beach is kind of like a hipster CPK which is GREAT because I LOVE CPK. I had a birthday dinner there once, and all my friends complained that they had to go to Kip’s Bay (granted, they complain if they have to go anywhere more than a block from their apartments). Here’s a sexy/pouty selfie I took while Kim was in the bathroom:
Okay, DAY OVER. THE END. Did we live out our Gossip Girl fantasies on the UES? MAYBE. I don’t think Serena and Blair would have had to do as much walking as we had to do. Also, I don’t think they would have been at the Met on a Tuesday afternoon. They would have been there at night for a glamorous party, and then like snuck into the Manus x Machina exhibit to like make out with Chuck Bass or Penn Badgley or whoever. But also FUCK THAT. If I was Blair or Serena, I wouldn’t be making out with dumb old Chuck Bass or that wimpy gossip boy in the stoopid Costume Institute exhibit–I would be TRIPLE KISSING both HARRY BRANT and PETER BRANT JR in the TEMPLE OF DENDUR because the Brant Brothers are trying to seduce me and they had their Billionaire father rent out the ENTIRE MUSEUM FOR A DAY and they like invited me to meet them at the Temple of Dendur for a picnic lunch and I showed up like wearing a custom Iris Van Herpen because as a rich gossip girl I of course am a private client of hers and the minute the Brant brothers saw me in my Iris Van Herpen Couture they sprung instant bonerz and forgot all about the picnic lunch they had catered by Dean and Deluca. And then that’s when we triple kiss. BLOG ABOUT THAT DAN HUMPHREY!!! ARE YOU JEALOUS!!!!?
Okay, but did I come anywhere close to that kind of gossip girl-level decadence? Did I even make out with anyone? Does a pizza count? I kind of made out with that lamb sausage pizza.
SPOTTED: CRAIG AND A MYSTERY PIZZA CANOODLING ON THE UES
There’s your blind item.
Gossip Craig and Kim
ALSO ONE FINAL NOTE TO THE MET: YOU WILL NEVER TOP A HOLOGRAM OF KATE MOSS, so maybe stop trying?